Worry

The more I worry, the less life flows, the more it all knots up until it comes to a head in thoroughly crap day or an explosive argument with Catherine, my beloved partner.

On a moment to moment basis I am aware (when I am alert enough, conscious enough) of my mind as it churns out possible things to be concerned about.  Future events that may happen (Ooh, I hope not!) or may not happen (Ooh what if that doesn't come through?) that my mind would mull over and, indeed, does mull over fairly constantly.

As I remain sober almost a year on, meditate and study all these amazing and simple teachings available to us,  I am becoming aware of how much useless activity is being generated by my mind.   And it's not just useless, but it generates worried and fearful emotions that cost me energy.  This in turn costs me in body tension and posture.

What I find myself doing in response to this realization is waiting for this process to stop.  And so, of course, it never does.  I am once again looking to the future when all will be well, when in reality all is well now.  As Eckhart Tolle is fond of urging us to ask, "What problems have I got now, in this moment?".

The real challenge is to accept in full the totality of one's self and where you are at now.

Interesting side effect of meditation or mind watching, is as one becomes aware of how much mental chatter is going on, it feels as if it is increasing.  I don't believe that this is actually the case though.  It's like, you see trees every day but only when you look at them closely do you notice how many leaves are on them.  And the closer you look the more leaves you see.  Sooner or later, if you're going to see the tree as it is, you have got to step back and stop following every branch.