Ten Minutes twice daily

So I've been kind of lazy in that I've not been meditating regularly of late. Just using it as a tool at crisis points when it all became too much and I felt like exploding!

But last night and this morning I sat for ten minutes in my room and breathed.  And got carried away by a thought or ten, and remembered what I was doing, and came back to my breathing again.

Ten minutes and I was out of that room more aware of my self and surroundings, more aware of my breath, more aware of those around me and how I interact with them.  And then there's something more than just that.  A peace around and between everything that draws me closer to the world.

So my new years resolution, and I will follow this one through - ten minutes sitting each morning and evening, come hell or high water.

Sinking into Seiza

Training again at the dojo last night when I had an epiphany of sorts.

Taking instruction form Tom Helsby, he told us to place our bodies on the floor when rolling, to see how quietly we could do it.

I went back to my rolling and concentrated on placing my body on the ground and placing my attention there.  I found that, suddenly, my awareness had shifted and I was heavier, a lot heavier and more compact underneath, so to speak.

Let me try to explain.  I have been reading about how to allow one's weight to 'sink down' naturally.  Everything wants to sink down to the earth due to gravity.  Our body is designed through thousands of years of evolution to stand up under this pull, to move under this pull.  Now I think a problem for a lot of people, and certainly for me, is that our minds get in the way and tell us how to stand.   Or we distract ourselves completely from our body awareness and get lost in thought, hunching out of alignment and loping around under the pull of gravity.

So in my reading about sinking weight, I have spent some time just standing and feeling from within, how my weight sinks down into my feet.  Last night I was suddenly able to feel how my weight sunk whilst rolling and it made the rolls quieter, faster, smoother and my stance coming out of them stronger.

Then sitting Seiza (see O Sensei's sitting posture above) at the end of class I could feel how all my weight sank down into the triangulation made by my body.  The weight could be felt almost as a tangible pyramid shape encompassing my body.  Hard to put into words, it's not something the mind can label easily.

I was reminded later after class of a training accident some years back when I was thrown forward, landed on my left shoulder too heavily, snapped my collar bone, continued my roll forward and came out of the roll sitting perfectly and very stably in seiza.  As soon as I felt that bone snap my mind shut up, my body relaxed and the roll and the sitting position happened perfectly naturally.   Interesting to note that my rolling and sitting are only now beginning to catch up consciously with what my body was able to do spontaneously in an emergency some five years ago!

Intention

I have been reading 'The Principles of Effortless Power' by Pater Ralston and came across a fascinating experiment yesterday.

Lift your hand.

Now ask, who lifted your hand?

My first response is that I did.

So ask, how?

After answering that I just did and questioning this again one eventually comes to the apparent answer that one did it with one's mind.

So, leave your hand in place and ask it to rise with your mind.

I find that I can talk to it with my mind, scream at it and it won't budge.

The mind does not lift the hand.

There seems to be a translator, if you like, between mind and body.  Peter Ralston calls it intention.  Tom Helsby explains it like this : Decide to lift your arm with your mind, send out your intention, Ki follows this intention and your body follows this Ki and raises the arm.

I am finding this fascinating.  As I move about I find that, if I am conscious and sensitive enough, my mind's chatter, the 'I' that I relate to even, has little to do with how I operate in this physical environment.  There is a broader, deeper part of my mind that has everything to do with it. 

So is this field of intention 'I'?

Further writings on Intention can also be found in Carlos Casteneda's books. Recommended.

Take the head off

Just back from the dojo.  We were looking at entering into the attack but off the line of attack.  Meeting the attack with our arm as a result of stepping in and placing our hips into it.  Then we turn around to let the attack continue down into the space we previously occupied.

This is called Irimi (entering) and Tenkan (turning).  The technique then happens naturally, and which technique happens depends on the distance and timing (ma-ai) and what the attacker does in response to your movement.

Too often we forget what we're doing.  We meet the attack, then turn away and grab the limb and do the technique.  This is a martial art.  We should meet the attack, stay focused on and into uke (the attacker), take their head off with our counter attack or atemi, our spirit or gaze, then sink under their centre, roll our body around their body movement and finish off with the technique that happens naturally - the last 5%.

Till I forget again!

Worry

The more I worry, the less life flows, the more it all knots up until it comes to a head in thoroughly crap day or an explosive argument with Catherine, my beloved partner.

On a moment to moment basis I am aware (when I am alert enough, conscious enough) of my mind as it churns out possible things to be concerned about.  Future events that may happen (Ooh, I hope not!) or may not happen (Ooh what if that doesn't come through?) that my mind would mull over and, indeed, does mull over fairly constantly.

As I remain sober almost a year on, meditate and study all these amazing and simple teachings available to us,  I am becoming aware of how much useless activity is being generated by my mind.   And it's not just useless, but it generates worried and fearful emotions that cost me energy.  This in turn costs me in body tension and posture.

What I find myself doing in response to this realization is waiting for this process to stop.  And so, of course, it never does.  I am once again looking to the future when all will be well, when in reality all is well now.  As Eckhart Tolle is fond of urging us to ask, "What problems have I got now, in this moment?".

The real challenge is to accept in full the totality of one's self and where you are at now.

Interesting side effect of meditation or mind watching, is as one becomes aware of how much mental chatter is going on, it feels as if it is increasing.  I don't believe that this is actually the case though.  It's like, you see trees every day but only when you look at them closely do you notice how many leaves are on them.  And the closer you look the more leaves you see.  Sooner or later, if you're going to see the tree as it is, you have got to step back and stop following every branch.

Ukemi

The practice of Ukemi is, in my limited understanding, the most important part of Aikido practice. This is where you attack your partner and allow them to perform a technique. You lend your body to them if you like, generously and with a big spirit.

If the technique is performed in a fluid, more advanced way than you are literally sucked in and projected back out again. It's a fascinating feeling, sort of like accelerating to the crest of a steep hill before freewheeling down the other side. If the technique is performed staccato, when your partner is figuring out the technical movements, then you allow yourself to be lead, whilst always maintaining a good healthy posture, and a good all round awareness.

My teacher has been saying for some months now, look past your partner's fingers as you take ukemi. Follow the energy that is projecting from his/her fingertips. I feel like I finally got what he's been saying about this last night practicing one of the last techniques, Irimi Nage. You attack, allow yourself to be taken and then follow your partners fingers with your eyes. They sink, you sink, they raise up, you follow, they turn, you turn. Instead of following your partner and thinking, 'Oh what's happening now, this isn't the way the technique should be done, I'd do it othrewise... etc', you end up simply following the line of the fingers, the energy of your partner's movement and much less thought is involved. A flow happens.

The less thought is involved in Aikido practice, the better. It's much like music. You get the basic forms, practice and think about them alot, then you try to throw that away ('cut off your legs' as they say in Japan) and go for flow. Technique does indeed seem to be the last 5% of the action.

In the end it all comes down to the same thing - Ukemi, losing oneself. Opening yourself up to your partner, to life, to the flow, accepting whatever happens and not resisting. Apply it to whatever you want.

Birth and Death

Check these pics of my littlest sister, Laura's, baby in her belly.
Has ultra sound gotten better in the last 6 years, because I don't remember ever being able to make out so much detail in my children's scans?

Truly awesome and amazing.

So from a baby growing that doesn't yet know where it is or what's happening to, it to my five year old son getting out of bed the other night suddenly realizing his mortality. He says, 'I don't want to be in this life! I'll have to feel it when I die!'. What can you say? It's just a game Jude. We never really die, just this 'crude matter' (Yoda), passes on.

I remember when I first became aware of my mortality and it felt like a great big scary dark thing looming up in front of me, inevitable as, well, death! But what is death really? How much of I will survive? I used to have epileptic attacks as a youngster. All the neurons in my brain would fire off in a chain reaction that would shut off my brain for a brief time. One second I would be here, 'in this life' as Jude put it, the next I am not. There is no me. No time. But there is awareness. Then all of a sudden I am back in this life, in a different position physically, a different moment in time and everyone has gathered around me. And you know what, the peace and relaxation after an event like that was always deep. The dialogue had shut up.

I've lost my fear of death. I still fear the pain that may be involved but what's to fear in death? The ultimate release of all worries and concerns. No me to deal with!

Atemi

Reading Musashi's Book of Five Rings at the moment and I am fascinated by the statement, and I paraphrase somewhat, "When you strike at the enemies face, he becomes rideable".

This works. I've been told in the dojo many times, use atemi (strikes) to help focus the technique, or help focus your attention on uke (your practice partner). But it was when I went to practice a more aggressive style, White Crane kung fu, and we did their version of a technique I was familiar with in aikido, Kote Gaishe (outer wrist twist) that I realised how important the strike before the technique is.

If you do not at least jab at your partner (or enemy's!) face there is no way that they are going to go with the technique in a real life situation. They will stiffen when you try to throw or pin them, very few people will relax in a fight situation.

A good smack in the face on the other hand will instantly put you on the back foot, startle you 'up into your head' if you like and make you 'rideable' as my book's translation of Musashi's Japanese puts it.

I enjoy it as uke when someone strikes at your face doing the technique. It's a reminder, yes, this is a martial art. Yes, you are open to attack there. Yes, you could wake up!

Human Evolution

The evolution of the species is not so much a biological thing in humans, it's faster than that.
Whilst we're still passing on genes to the next generation, we're also passing on behavioural patterns, emotional loads and mind patterns.

The majority of humanity for the majority of it's existence has been passing these traits on, on an unconscious level, but this is changing now.

We are aware of how our behaviour effects our children and that it will, in turn, effect their children. So our responsibility as humans is to do better than our parents in loving and teaching, and most importantly, in being a living example of how to be human for our children.

It is my job as a father to do a better job than my father. It will be my son's job to do a better job than I have done. In this way, humanity evolves.

Back on the horse.

I have decided to start writing and recording music again.
After making 'music making' the main goal in my life many years ago I pursued it as a means to an end. To get that elusive record deal and make a fortune.

Since going straight earlier this year and getting back together with my partner and kids I've hardly touched the guitar. I found it brought up too much ego in me and could not justify picking it up to myself.

I'm finding now though, the urge to start recording music on the PC again, just for the love of it. I've always found recording to be my favourite aspect of musicianship, totally immersive, unlimited scope to create, the ability to play with onself!

Pain-body Attack!

Eckhart Tolle talks about the pain body as part of his teachings. A clever way of looking at the schizophrenic behaviour of humans. To paraphrase, we all have a pain body built up from years of (mostly self inflicted) suffering that takes us over from time to time. We then freak out and try to draw another human into an argument, or get wasted and/or do something we later regret.

So I'm looking at my bank accounts today and I am shocked to discover there's nothing left! Instant sinking feeling that comes out of years of living with 'not quite enough' and I'm taken over by the pain body for the next several hours.

Now I used to spend most of my life in the pain body, identified with my pain, angry at it, sad about it. I had several ways of dealing with it but they all involved escaping it temporarily.

Nowadays I feel it, and when I'm taken in by it I act it out but I always know it's just the pain body, it will pass, it's not me. I am not the sum of my thoughts and feelings, I am the witness, the observer.

This however does not quite cut the mustard when you apologise later to your partner for acting like an asshole over a few pounds. In fact, I find my pain body has succeeded in activating her pain body and I am now apologising to an entity that doesn't take any prisoners!

We could find ourselves in a vicious circle of abuse very easily, and the human race regularly does.
Jesus said, turn the other cheek and forgive them for they know not what they do. He knew the score. When you hurt someone it's not you doing the hurting. When they hurt you, it's not them. The trick to overcoming this madness, to evolving out of it is forgiveness. Don't take it personally. Laugh at yourself. Breathe and accept the shit for it's all completely temporary and impersonal.

Blue Arsed Fly

I find that my mind is constantly reminding me of what I need to do next.
"Customer's waiting, more work incoming, get this done fast as you can, move onto the next job. Gotta do this, make sure I do that!"
Endless.

Like a crazed monkey it will go on and on running around in circles creating a tense and stressful head space which ultimately is the opposite of the headspace required for truly fast and effecient work.

So I breathe. I slow my pace. Notice the sunset, the colours in the sky over Brighton at dusk. The peace that lies underneath all the noise.

Ahhh. Breathing in, 1, Breathing out, 1. Pause.
Now I can crack on.